I babysit my granddaughter. As soon as her mom leaves the house, her dreadful transformation begins.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am having a problem when babysitting my 11-year-old granddaughter, “Jane.”

I babysit occasionally, and whenever I do, she becomes difficult as soon as her mother leaves. She refuses to get dressed, screams at me when I ask her to get ready, slams her door, and then calls her mom, crying about how terrible I am.

Even when the day is planned in advance, there is drama. Her mom tells her to behave, but she does not. Her parents don’t live together, and I see her play one against the other—she has learned to manipulate them. I’m a very chill person and have no conflicts in any other area of my life, but I’m straightforward, and Jane gets mad when she can’t play me. Her mom has been doing “gentle parenting,” which seems to give all the power to the child … but what do I know? I dread the not-so-far-off teenage years if Jane’s behavior is not dealt with soon. I’m about done with this, but don’t want to alienate my daughter or granddaughter. How do I deal with this situation?

—Frustrated Granny

Dear Granny,

Eleven is a hard age for a lot of reasons, and babysitting for a kid that age is a no-win situation (unless you are a very, very cool 18-year-old she wants to be—or at least be just like someday). The particular problem with which you’re coming to me will go away very soon, as before long, she won’t need a sitter at all. (Does she actually need one now? Laws vary from state to state in the U.S., and children vary too, but leaving an 11-year-old at home alone for a few hours is not unheard of. At 11, I was babysitting for other people’s younger children! But that was 1,000 years ago.) Unless your daughter is gone for many hours, or overnight—or Jane is frightened of being home alone—I’m interested in why her mother is sure she needs to be watched. Was it her mom’s idea? Jane’s? Yours?

In any case, it will be three years at most before this is a non-issue.

But for now, there is a problem that needs solving. If having a sitter was her mother’s or your idea, I can imagine that one of the things that’s going on is that Jane is rebelling against the very idea. But this is unlikely to be the only reason for the conflict. I would say that if she does need a sitter, you are not the right person for the job. The first thing her mom should try is getting someone who isn’t you to be there with Jane. If it goes well (I highly recommend an older teenager or college student), you can go back to just being Grandma, not a substitute for her mom (and an enforcer of rules). If Jane needs to be sat for, and the reason you’re the one doing that sitting is financial, perhaps you could offer to help with the cost, for the sake of your relationship with Jane.

I’m not suggesting that Jane doesn’t love you, or that you don’t love her “enough.” But it’s clear that your style is very different from her mom’s, and (especially at 11) she may be chafing at it. I can tell that you disapprove of gentle parenting—but you don’t get a vote on that: This is not your child. And therefore, I am puzzled by your “dread” of the teenage years ahead. They will not be your problem; if Jane—like many teenagers—is a handful, that’s for her parents to “deal with.” She will certainly not need a sitter by then.

If, as a teenager, she annoys you, is unpleasant to you, or won’t do as you say when you’re a guest in your daughter’s home, you can cut your visit short (and feel free to tell her why you’re doing so). Or—as my own grandmother did during my wretched 15^th year, when I was hell to be around—you can blithely ignore her behavior toward you and wait for the ugly period to pass. Once it does, if you have established a close and loving connection well in advance of that difficult time, you and she may well have a wonderful relationship (as I did with my grandma until the day she died, at 97).

So step away from the sitting. Step into being a loving grandmother who takes her beloved 11-year-old granddaughter on fun outings, and when she visits, hangs out with her without having to be the boss of her.

—Michelle

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